“Before I built a wall I’d ask to know
What I was walling in or walling out”
– from Mending Wall by Robert Frost

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

I’ve written about Frost’s poem in relation to tarot reading in the past, focusing on the idea that “good fences make good neighbors” even though Frost didn’t believe it himself. At the time I was talking about “setting boundaries” in dysfunctional relationships (a prominent cause célèbre of modern “pop” psychology) and the tarot cards that are the most helpful to the victim of abuse when they appear in a confrontational scenario. But I recently came across another consequence of walling oneself off.

The obvious correlative to erecting boundaries for the purpose of keeping people out of our affairs is that those barriers might also keep us in when that is not the most desirable outcome under the circumstances. They can limit our mobility in unexpected ways when all we were trying do was shield ourself against infringement, which was the gist of Frost’s rhetorical question. It can become a matter of walking a fine line between not enough prudent self-defense and too much stifling isolation.

I shouldn’t talk because I carry a portable wall around with me, a bubble of “stand-offish” reticence that doesn’t invite breezy schmoozing. (My austere Capricorn Moon is always at odds with my amiable Cancer Sun.) I enjoy stimulating conversation with intellectually and philosophically compatible people, but I don’t trust anyone’s motives right out of the gate since I believe almost everybody has a private agenda whether they admit it or not. People consider me “quiet” when what I really am is watchful.

Each person I meet gets one chance to prove their dependability, and if they can’t or won’t without being cajoled they are kept at arms length from that point on (no “three last chances” for the oblivious or inconsiderate). My favor is not something I confer lightly, if at all. I tell people I’m a kind person but not a particularly tolerant or forgiving one. (I got it from my hardboiled Virgo mother; my Cancer father was the soul of kindness and patience.)

This is not something I decided on a whim, it is an outgrowth of hard-earned wisdom gained at the hands of those who were only interested in personal advantage. I thought “Two can play that game” but, rather than adopting an adversarial stance, I chose the way of non-engagement. Walking away without rejoinder can be more devastating than landing a telling blow; it demands greater willpower while at the same time exacting a smaller emotional and energetic toll on the wielder.

But if they take something of value from me, I can be remorseless in getting it back or making them pay in other ways, even if it’s only the Wiccan’s reciprocal “Rule of Three” or “Law of Threefold Return” that punishes them thrice-over without requiring me to lift a vindictive finger against them. The Shakespearean phrase “hoist by their own petard” conveys a similar sentiment.

I once had to invoke that extreme remedy and the disencumbering wall of silence stood for almost thirty years, during which I (mostly) forgave but never forgot, and then my antagonist died only partially redeemed. Life may be too short to hold grudges, but it has definitely been long enough for this one to “simmer in my consciousness.” It changed the course of my whole life, although I eventually recovered and went on to succeed in other ways.